State of the Blog

I realized today that it's been over a month since I posted. It's not that posting hasn't been on my mind--it has--but more that I'm not quite sure what direction I want to take this blog in. I also started a new job/internship at the beginning of May that has me commuting down to Stanford--it's a beautiful drive, really, but by the time I get home I just don't want to look at my computer anymore (that's a first for me). Anyway, my apologies, and I'll try to be more regular about posting once I get into a routine at work. (At the moment I'm in Maine with family, so I have a bit of time on my hands).

So what direction DO I want to take this blog in?

That's a great question that I haven't quite figured out. On the one hand, I'm fascinated by the disabled blogosphere and want to add to the dialogue about women and disabilities (particularly embodiment, sexuality and disabilities). On the other hand, I'm reluctant to focus solely on my experience as a disabled woman. This resistance is something I'm trying to explore. Maybe it's shame, or maybe it's that part of me that wants to ignore the disability altogether, that confuses talking about it with complaining, a kind of weakness that I don't want to acknowledge.

I had this reaction recently when reading some other blogs that focused on the disabled experience. I noticed myself getting angry at what I viewed as complaining and whining about something that wasn't going to change (accessibility issues, for example). But shouldn't there be a place for this kind of dialogue? Certainly, I value fighting for what I need and speaking up for myself, but I can't deny that there aren't moments when I just want to bitch and moan. Why am I so averse to this?

While I hate to blame my upbringing, I spent most of my childhood fighting against the notion that I was disabled. I've talked about this before, but in a nutshell, complaining assumed an acceptance of the disabled "identity" (if you can call it that) that made me so uncomfortable. It's easy at 24 to talk about empowerment and disabilities studies and finding my voice, but at 12, I wanted nothing more than to fit in. I spent the majority of grade school and high school being the only student who had a physical disability, so it's no wonder that I wasn't particularly accepting of my own limitations.

But where does that leave me now? To what extent do I still view talking about issues of accessibility and prejudice as a weakness? Creating a blog in which I discussed my disability goes completely against this belief. Even though I acknowledge that my disability and physical limitations profoundly shape my experience, there's still a part of me that wants to sweep it all under the carpet and pretend it never existed. Perhaps that's why I get so angry when I fall (which, let's face it, happens a lot)--falling signifies a lack of control, an acknowledgement of an issue that I am trying my darndest to ignore.

So where am I going with all of this? I don't know. Part of this post is an attempt to acknowledge my resistance to creating this blog, to try and explore why it is that I've taken a month to update. Certainly being busy is part of that, but it's not the whole story. Furthermore I want this blog to be reflective of my experience, which many times has very little to do with disability. Please be patient with me as I explore this terrain.

Note: I am currently on the East Coast for my graduation, I probably will not be able to post in the coming week.